What does it mean to fight fair?

Fighting fair with your partner

Love is real, but is fights. Fighting is a part of every relationship. It’s going to happen in every relationship, even if you never experienced this with past partners, it is actually healthy to fight, but fight fair! Research says a healthy marriage fights a minimum of 7 times a day. Personally sounds much to me, but the experts say it is healthy and normal. Researchers have found that one of the best predictors of divorce is not whether a couple fights, but how they fight.

Having know about fighting fair can not only save a relationship, and marriage, but also make sure you both get what you need and bring you closer.
Few things will fuel intimacy, connection and closeness like being seen, being heard and coming through a storm side by side.

Conflict, is an opportunity for growth. When you intimately share your life with someone there are going to be disagreements.Sometimes a lot of them. Conflict is normal.

Attack the issues NOT your partner,
Don’t name call or bring the other person down to get on top of the argument. You are also belittling yourself because you're behaving like a toddler in his terrible 2's.

Stay on topic, and never go into the past,
Don’t bring in irrelevant details just to prove your point. It’s so tempting to confirm your ‘rightness’ by highlighting the other person’s ‘wrongness’, but don’t. It’s the quickest way to send an argument off track and land you in a place where you forget what you were fighting for. 

Don't confuse topics with issues,
Something about that issue is unresolved and the topics...the little things that start the arguments ( the towels on the floor),  are just the way the issue calls you both back to the plate to deal with it.
The topics aren’t the problem. The issue is. Find out exactly what it is (though you will probably already have a fair idea!) and deal with it.

Don't withdraw,

This is different to taking time out to cool down and get your thoughts together. People withdraw when they feel attacked, bored or disinterested and will pull back in an attempt to maintain autonomy, control and distance. Research has found a direct association between withdrawal and lower relationship satisfaction. If the silent treatment is your typical response, it will do great damages to your relationship.

Be open,

Conflicts in which one person expects another to know what is wrong without being told are more likely to end with anger or negative communication. Research has shown that people who expect a partner to mind read are more likely to feel anxious or neglected. Woman are know for using this because when women can get through she seeks out with giving hints as men call them.
But they aren't really hints. Men take them this way because they were never listening to her feeling to start off with and she knows no other way to try and be heard, so women give little hints we shall just call them.

What leads to anger,

The common culprits are sadness, hurt, insecurity, jealousy or frustration. If you can notice the real emotion you’ll have a better chance of responding to the real issue. Don’t turn your back, look away or pretend you’re doing something important while your partner is spilling himself or herself to you! You might miss something important that clues you in on what’s really going on inside their mind.

Attentive,

If your body shows up to the plate but your mind is on what to have for dinner, a couple of things could happen ...none of them good.
One is that the argument will keep going until your attention is turned to face. Another is that the argument will stop being about the issue at hand and will become about the way you ‘never listen’, or ‘don’t care’
or anything else that fits your process. Avoid the fallout by being attentive. 

Don't yell,

Yelling comes from anger. Anger comes from hurt.
At this point, someone needs to be the hero and calm it all down. Don't yell or shout or raise your voice. Be respectful to one another.

Stay away from ‘you always’ or ‘you never'

Listen and be curious,

Ask for more details. It’s tempting to launch into a defence when there’s a hint of attack but this is rarely helpful and usually escalates the argument. It also means that while the other person is speaking, you are probably formulating your response rather than listening. 

Fully and honestly accept that nobody is perfect. And you both are 50% 50% because it takes two to tango. 

 IF YOU'RE WRONG, APOLOGIZE. IF THE OTHER PERSON IS HURT, APOLOGIZE. Suck up your pride and be just as receiving as you would want your partner to be. 

Going in circles,

Cycles become vicious ones before you know it. If you or your partner are repeating the same things, you’re stuck in a loop. People repeat things because they don’t feel heard.Slow things down and communicate to your partner your understanding of their side of things. STOP the circles. 

Compromise and don't leave things unfinished,

Generally in a fight, the more one person pulls, the more the other pulls in the other direction. Take a step, however small, back to the middle ground by offering a compromise. Any small concession is the groundwork for bigger ones. Fiind a resolution, otherwise it will continue to press for closure.

Fighting is inevitable and not all healthy couples fight fair all of the time.

 Doors may get slammed.

Things may be said.

 And feelings may get thrown across the room.

 KNOWING how fighting fair is a powerful thing.

 It will bring you closer to being able to get what you want and at the same time solidify your relationship.

 Anything that can bring you through to the other side of an argument still holding hands .... or wanting to hold hands .... is certainly worth the effort.

Always say: I LOVE YOU even when you're mad at each other. This reminds you when you're mad or hurt with your partner that the love you have for them is deeper than the ocean. This ALSO will help you to be able to FIGHT FAIR in arguments, and even reduce arguments, because you are being more understanding as if it was you who wanted to be heard. Listen to understand not to respond. 

What will ruin communication and relationships,

* Crisis

* Contemp

* Defensiveness

* Stonewalling (putting up walls)

By: Our marriage Counselor