ADHD Relationships

10 Ways to Save Your Relationship

All you need is love, right? Wrong. If you or your partner has ADHD, follow these rules to foster communication, build trust, and reciprocate support.

By Jonathan Halverstadt

Commit to Commitment

The main symptoms of ADHD — impulsiveness and the need for constant stimulation — can enhance, as well as threaten, relationships. Because adults with ADHD  are impatient and easily bored, adventurous sexual activities are highly stimulating. Attraction to the new and different may make it difficult to stay monogamous. That’s why it is vital to be committed to the idea of “relationship” — even more so than your partner.




https://www.additudemag.com/save-your-adhd-relationship-marriage/

How to maintain a good relationship with your spouse

How can I maintain a good relationship With My Spouse

Click HERE to read more. By Ann Brenoff

1. Remind your partner (and yourself) that you appreciate them.
2. Say thank you for the little things.
3. Practice honesty, even when you're ashamed.
    
4. Take care of your appearance.
    
5. Foster relationships outside your marriage.
    
6. Watch your words.
    

Sample what it talks about: 

The honeymoon period in most marriages has a shelf life. But does that mean you can’t bring back those fluttery butterfly feelings of excitement and anticipation everyone experiences at the beginning of a relationship? Absolutely not. All marriages maneuver through rough patches. Some don’t survive long enough to come out the other side unscathed. But many do. Here are 11 ways to keep your marriage fresh.

1. Remind your partner (and yourself) that you appreciate them.

After you’ve been married for many, many years, that passionate kiss when your partner walks in the door can easily morph into a peck on the check that can then morph into an inability even to look up from your computer. Over the course of my 23-year marriage, there are times when I’ve felt my own husband and I were starting to become so familiar with each other that we were settling into a stultifying — albeit comfortable — routine. But there’s a real danger in that. Studies show that nearly half of men who have cheated say it was because of emotional dissatisfaction — and not sex. When men don’t feel connected or appreciated by their wives, they are vulnerable to the advances of any attractive woman who casts a lustful glance their way. And fellows, it works the other way as well.

In his film “Annie Hall,” Woody Allen charged that “a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.” I believe he was right.

2. Say thank you for the little things.

I’ve been guilty of keeping score, constantly calculating who had done what. “I cleaned out the kids’ closets, so you have to clean the basement.” “I moved for your job when we first got married, so now you need to move for mine.” “I initiated sex last time, so now it’s your turn.” But playing tit for tat is childish and will do nothing but chip away at the trust and connection you’ve built with your spouse. If you are so inclined, keep score of all the positive things your partner does in a day — and then thank them. Hopefully they’ll get the hint and do the same for you.

3. Practice honesty, even when you’re ashamed.

If you have maxed out a credit card or two and find yourself hiding the bills each month, you can bet it’s going to come back to bite you. Eventually, whether you’re applying for a home loan or simply talking about the costs of summer vacation, these kinds of money issues will either be brought to light by a credit report or by the simple fact you can’t afford a trip away. Although infidelity usually happens in bed, it also can happen with money. And it will be a tough road gaining back your spouse’s trust if you’ve lied about overspending.

Along that same vein, if you feel you aren’t connecting with your partner the way you used to, you need to say something — now. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. I once let communication issues fester for months on end, failing to verbalize my displeasure, and my husband and I wound up in marriage counseling for nearly a year. It took a third party — and a real investment on our part — to get us back on track. If I had not kept telling myself that things would get better on their own, we might not have reached what I call the danger zone.

4. Take care of your appearance.

With many years and a few kids under your belt, it’s easy to let your appearance slide. Think about when you first met your partner. Would you have walked around in stained sweatpants and without brushing your teeth? My guess is no. I’m not saying you have to look like Julianne Moore every time you settle in for a night of TV. But I’ve seen too many couples transform from Cliff and Clair Huxtable into Dan and Roseanne Connor — with disastrous repercussions.

Sometimes my husband will say “wow, you look nice” as I’m walking out the door for a girls’ night out. At least pay your spouse the same courtesy you do your friends by fixing yourself up for him or her every once in awhile.









By Ann Brenoff




There is more, but it's best you go to the web page and read it for yourself. And don't forget to have fun!

ADHD Relationship Effects

www.healthline.com/health/adhd/adult-adhd-relationships#1

When your spouse has ADHD there is poor communications. The ADHD adult brain sorts information differently. Your partner experiences the world differently. -By: Melissa Orlov

When your spouse has adult ADHD, it’s easy to misinterpret inattentiveness, disorganization and distractibility as laziness or selfishness.
By: Melissa Orlov go HERE to read more.





Talks about:


“We had poor communication and there was a lot of anger on my part,” Orlov says. “I was sort of the parent figure and he was my child. He was distracted, and I interpreted that as he didn’t love me.”

Only after George became acquainted with someone who had ADHD – and saw how difficult it was to communicate with that person – did he realize how much his wife had been struggling in the marriage.

They decided to stay together and work on both George’s ADHD and Melissa’s response to it.

Today, their marriage is a happy, loving one, and they recently celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary, says Orlov, who blogs at ADHDMarriage.com and wrote the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (Specialty Press).

“Although I was miserable, my husband and I had a completely normal relationship when one has ADHD and the other doesn’t – and they’re not dealing with the ADHD,” Orlov says.
































https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/adhd/married-adhd-adult/

What does it mean to fight fair?

Fighting fair with your partner

Love is real, but is fights. Fighting is a part of every relationship. It’s going to happen in every relationship, even if you never experienced this with past partners, it is actually healthy to fight, but fight fair! Research says a healthy marriage fights a minimum of 7 times a day. Personally sounds much to me, but the experts say it is healthy and normal. Researchers have found that one of the best predictors of divorce is not whether a couple fights, but how they fight.

Having know about fighting fair can not only save a relationship, and marriage, but also make sure you both get what you need and bring you closer.
Few things will fuel intimacy, connection and closeness like being seen, being heard and coming through a storm side by side.

Conflict, is an opportunity for growth. When you intimately share your life with someone there are going to be disagreements.Sometimes a lot of them. Conflict is normal.

Attack the issues NOT your partner,
Don’t name call or bring the other person down to get on top of the argument. You are also belittling yourself because you're behaving like a toddler in his terrible 2's.

Stay on topic, and never go into the past,
Don’t bring in irrelevant details just to prove your point. It’s so tempting to confirm your ‘rightness’ by highlighting the other person’s ‘wrongness’, but don’t. It’s the quickest way to send an argument off track and land you in a place where you forget what you were fighting for. 

Don't confuse topics with issues,
Something about that issue is unresolved and the topics...the little things that start the arguments ( the towels on the floor),  are just the way the issue calls you both back to the plate to deal with it.
The topics aren’t the problem. The issue is. Find out exactly what it is (though you will probably already have a fair idea!) and deal with it.

Don't withdraw,

This is different to taking time out to cool down and get your thoughts together. People withdraw when they feel attacked, bored or disinterested and will pull back in an attempt to maintain autonomy, control and distance. Research has found a direct association between withdrawal and lower relationship satisfaction. If the silent treatment is your typical response, it will do great damages to your relationship.

Be open,

Conflicts in which one person expects another to know what is wrong without being told are more likely to end with anger or negative communication. Research has shown that people who expect a partner to mind read are more likely to feel anxious or neglected. Woman are know for using this because when women can get through she seeks out with giving hints as men call them.
But they aren't really hints. Men take them this way because they were never listening to her feeling to start off with and she knows no other way to try and be heard, so women give little hints we shall just call them.

What leads to anger,

The common culprits are sadness, hurt, insecurity, jealousy or frustration. If you can notice the real emotion you’ll have a better chance of responding to the real issue. Don’t turn your back, look away or pretend you’re doing something important while your partner is spilling himself or herself to you! You might miss something important that clues you in on what’s really going on inside their mind.

Attentive,

If your body shows up to the plate but your mind is on what to have for dinner, a couple of things could happen ...none of them good.
One is that the argument will keep going until your attention is turned to face. Another is that the argument will stop being about the issue at hand and will become about the way you ‘never listen’, or ‘don’t care’
or anything else that fits your process. Avoid the fallout by being attentive. 

Don't yell,

Yelling comes from anger. Anger comes from hurt.
At this point, someone needs to be the hero and calm it all down. Don't yell or shout or raise your voice. Be respectful to one another.

Stay away from ‘you always’ or ‘you never'

Listen and be curious,

Ask for more details. It’s tempting to launch into a defence when there’s a hint of attack but this is rarely helpful and usually escalates the argument. It also means that while the other person is speaking, you are probably formulating your response rather than listening. 

Fully and honestly accept that nobody is perfect. And you both are 50% 50% because it takes two to tango. 

 IF YOU'RE WRONG, APOLOGIZE. IF THE OTHER PERSON IS HURT, APOLOGIZE. Suck up your pride and be just as receiving as you would want your partner to be. 

Going in circles,

Cycles become vicious ones before you know it. If you or your partner are repeating the same things, you’re stuck in a loop. People repeat things because they don’t feel heard.Slow things down and communicate to your partner your understanding of their side of things. STOP the circles. 

Compromise and don't leave things unfinished,

Generally in a fight, the more one person pulls, the more the other pulls in the other direction. Take a step, however small, back to the middle ground by offering a compromise. Any small concession is the groundwork for bigger ones. Fiind a resolution, otherwise it will continue to press for closure.

Fighting is inevitable and not all healthy couples fight fair all of the time.

 Doors may get slammed.

Things may be said.

 And feelings may get thrown across the room.

 KNOWING how fighting fair is a powerful thing.

 It will bring you closer to being able to get what you want and at the same time solidify your relationship.

 Anything that can bring you through to the other side of an argument still holding hands .... or wanting to hold hands .... is certainly worth the effort.

Always say: I LOVE YOU even when you're mad at each other. This reminds you when you're mad or hurt with your partner that the love you have for them is deeper than the ocean. This ALSO will help you to be able to FIGHT FAIR in arguments, and even reduce arguments, because you are being more understanding as if it was you who wanted to be heard. Listen to understand not to respond. 

What will ruin communication and relationships,

* Crisis

* Contemp

* Defensiveness

* Stonewalling (putting up walls)

By: Our marriage Counselor