Learning husbands ADD/ADHD and how to keep your marriage,
In order to have ADHD you have to first have ADD.
Living with an ADD/ADHD spouse is never easy. It controls everything in your life and your home.
For the Non-ADD/ADHD partner life can seem doomed, chaotic, always drama, lonely, resentment,
feeling like there will never be a future unless you bow to them on your knees on every area of life and many more things the Non-ADD/ADHD spouse feels.
Life is lived by minutes as every minute is a roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. You find yourself never being able to share your own thoughts, feelings nor beliefs so you end up keeping everything bottled up inside, until… one day that bottle over flows like a volcano. You know that you're suffering not just day by day. But with the spouse who has the disability doesn't understand they are making you suffer by the hour or even by the minutes. This rapid mood change is constant with it's highs and lows.
This is what's called: ADD/ADHD Mood Disorder. Impulsivity, Over-activity, Last but not least Moodiness.
These symptoms could describe ADHD or bipolar disorder — or both together William Dodson, M.D. explains how to tell the two conditions apart. Remembering your partner has a disability he can't help. Keep in mind that just like you, your ADD/ADHD spouse is suffering too.
Your husband may even feel that he has no control over his ADD/ADHD and that would be bothersome to anyone because unlike us they can't run from it. People with the disability also are always on the defense, think the world is out to get them, especially you... they tend to always think the worst of everything, have troubles managing to rid their thousands of negative thoughts they have in their heads on a daily.
As the Non-ADD/ADHD partner, try to understand how both sides of this is very painful. You both feel all of the same things for the most part, but the only one to blame is his ADD/ADHD, not you, not him... but the ADD/ADHD. What I do, I try looking at it in a positive way. I don't like to call it ADD/ADHD, disability, ect, I call it A GIFT THAT IS OUR JOURNEY, AND OUR JOURNEY ALONE. That way it helps keep me positive though this chaotic life. I have experienced others and their ADD/ADHD before I even met my husband.
I was just like you! I started out thinking it was bull-hockey and it was always used as a crutch for all people I have ever known, including my husband. But folks it is real, and just like it's hard for me and you, we need to remember that it is also hard on our ADD/ADHD spouse too. Yes, we suffer the most, but so does our spouse.
We have the roll as: Wife & Mom to him, Mom to our kids, he acts like a child, you're double parent roll to your children, a maid, a slave, a doctor, and last but not least the counselor that holds the family and home together. This is what we (Non-ADD/ADHD partners) go through every day around the clock. It is mentally and emotional and physically draining, then adding the roller-coaster rides into it....it becomes a lot for one to handle without having a break down, or not having a support group, or not having what I call a VENT BOOK to write in all your venting needs.
You may even be hurt of the fact that your partner with the GIFT has a short attention span, can't clean his own messes, can't remember simple things, can't keep their words or promises, can get tasks done, and the list can go on and on. Try to rather look it as what it is, a mental DISABILITY. Would you expect the kid down the street who lives on the corner house who suffers down-syndrome to remember how to walk home alone from the park that is 1-2 miles away from the home? Well..... that is what we (Non-ADD/ADHD spouses) are doing to our spouses who has their ADD/ADHD disabilities. BE THE CHEER LEADER. Stand on his side cheering him on. ADD/ADHD adults have spent their entire lives never being able to fit into the real world so they make themselves this fake illusion (their own reality) which makes them more harder to handle in every day life. WE can't and won't ever understand it or be able to play it, says experts. But what we can do is help them, and even get an ADD/ADHD coach to help us both.
I won't let my husband take RX, as I don't agree with how violent they make people and the other issues it causes too. I have been looking for something HERBAL and safe for his brain. Click HERE to learn how: Medication does not cure ADHD, and it should never be the only treatment. But natural remedies particularly food and nutrition — play key roles in improving focus and cognitive function. Get started with the ADD/ADHD-friendly herbal supplements and remedies, vitamins. It is safe and does take time before you'll start to see even the smallest change but you will see change.
The link below written by an ADHD psychologist JEFFERY BERNSTEIN PhD
ADD/ADHD HONEST LYING BEHAVIORS is a great read! after learning that and much other ADD/ADHD things I have, it helped me to cope with my spouses GIFT.
Melissa Orlov ays;
Melissa Orlov ays;
People with ADHD may also think what they are saying is true when it is not. They may also not actually remember what they said in the first place and then try to guess what they actually said after the fact. And, there may also be times where the person with ADHD knows they are not saying the truth because of the shame of "being caught in a lie" so they try to spin their way out of the whole situation. In this case they may even be trying to protect themselves or others even though it just makes everything even more problematic and confusing. In short, those with ADHD may have a tough time expressing themselves and being perceived in a consistent, accurate, and believable manner.
Click HERE to read ADHD and 'Honest Lies' ADHD and “honest lying” behaviors.”
& Click HERE to read The ADHD Effect
By Melissa Orlov . Melissa Orlov has her webpage at: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/
Click HERE to read ADHD and 'Honest Lies' ADHD and “honest lying” behaviors.”
& Click HERE to read The ADHD Effect
When my spouse is at work or writing a business letter, or talking to friends and or family, he talks and acts way different than he does around the home. I have never been able to understand this, but as many share their stories of their ADD/ADHD spouse they all share the same things too. It has taught me that it is not me nor my husband whom causes all the misunderstanding and so forth, but rather his GIFT that causes it. And unfortunately, from all the research I have read there is no way to fix it, ever. Only pretending it isn't there is the only way to go because it keeps the ADD/ADHD partner thinking there is little to 0 misunderstandings and proper communications happening when truth is you're still in the same boat with your ADD/ADHD spouse.
WE either live with knowing it is always the ADD/ADHD, or live in a pretend life. But professionals say: Don't be in denial over it, for both partners. Professionals say that communication and misunderstandings wouldn't even be there or hardly be there if there was no GIFT ( as I like to call it).
WE either live with knowing it is always the ADD/ADHD, or live in a pretend life. But professionals say: Don't be in denial over it, for both partners. Professionals say that communication and misunderstandings wouldn't even be there or hardly be there if there was no GIFT ( as I like to call it).
If you are married to a person who has ADHD, you feel ignored and lonely in your relationship. Your spouse never seems to follow up on what he agrees to do making you feel as if you really have another child in your home instead of an adult. You feel forced to remind him all the time to do things, everything. You communicate this but the ADHD spouse takes it as nagging, and maybe you’ve even started to dislike the person you’ve become from living with this for so long.
The two of you either fight often, have virtually nothing to say to each other, or say anything that you find meaningful to each other. You are frustrated that your ADHD spouse seems to be able to focus intently on things that interest him, but never on you, or the family. Maybe you feel intense stress from knowing you can rely on him and feeling saddled with almost all of the responsibilities of life, the household, and more, while your spouse gets to have all the fun.
If you're the ADHD spouse you may feel as if the person you married is buried deep within a negative nagging monster that lives. The person you had cherished has been transformed into a control freak, trying to manage every single detail of your life, together. No matter how hard you try, you can never do well enough for your spouse, or others, even if you are successful elsewhere such as in your work field. The easiest way to deal with her is simply to leave her alone.
-MELISSA ORLOV
If either of these sound familiar you're suffering from what I call the ADHD behaviors.
Your courtship was happy and exciting (and often fast), but your marriage has been completely different. You may feel desperately unhappy and lonely & your partner isn’t even aware of it even if you’ve tried to talk about it.
You fight and nag much more than you expected, and life often seems depressingly up and down and out of control. Not underlying the reasons is your ADHD behaviors & the responses both of you have to the symptoms have been destroying your marriage.
The good news is that understanding the role that ADHD plays can turn your marriage around. You can learn how to identify ADHD behaviors and the issues it brings to marriages as well as specific and special steps you can take to begin to rebuild your lives.
You will be surprised by the consistency and predictability of the patterns in marriages affected by ADHD. These patterns start with an ADHD behavior that triggers a series of predictable responses in both spouses...creating a downward spiral in your marriage. In this case, knowledge about ADD/ADHD behaviors IS POWERFUL.
You both contribute to the patterns. If you know what they are, you can also change them or avoid them altogether. Finding joy in your marriage again after years of hurt is a journey of change not a quick fix. The rewards of the journey are worth it. My husband and I have moved from completely dysfunctional to almost ridding to happy. We are busting our back on our ends and thriving as individuals and feel that our relationship is stronger now than it has ever been.
You both contribute to the patterns. If you know what they are, you can also change them or avoid them altogether. Finding joy in your marriage again after years of hurt is a journey of change not a quick fix. The rewards of the journey are worth it. My husband and I have moved from completely dysfunctional to almost ridding to happy. We are busting our back on our ends and thriving as individuals and feel that our relationship is stronger now than it has ever been.
In love we feel safer and more optimistic than on the day we became an item two years ago. Unlike during our difficult times we know and accept each other’s faults and except the GIFT he has and live in each other’s strengths. Our pride in our ability to pull ourselves back from the brick wall helps us to celebrate our feelings in ways that are loving and supportive. We won’t ever go back to our difficult past, I promise that, & we have crafted a new relationship & future.
You can do this too! You can move past your current unhappiness and create something better than you could have ever dreamt possible.
- Melissa Orlov
Dr. Hallowell offers a number of ways to learn how to thrive in relationships affected by ADHD. First, all of the Hallowell Centers offer counseling for couples interested in taming the ADHD interactions and misunderstandings in their relationship. Counseling may include treatment of ADHD, depression, anxiety and other issues, as well as therapy centered on developing strategies for improving the interactions between partners.
Dr. Hallowell and his wife Sue co-authored “Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage”, which deals with how to keep distraction from hurting your marriage. Dr. Hallowell and Melissa Orlov also write a blog and manage a forum on how ADHD affects marriage, which can be found at www.adhdmarriage.com.
Dr. Hallowell and Sue share their insight, tips and advice in this heartwarming conversation about his own ADHD and their marriage. Sue doesn’t hold back and gives listeners a clear picture of what it’s like to be the only one in their house without ADHD. Listen to the entire program at Distraction Podcast 29 and watch behind the scenes on Youtube.
Dr. Hallowell also recommends reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps and enrolling in the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples’ Seminar
Keep learning about ADD/ADHD! You'll always be learning for the rest of your lives so please get well educated on ADHD and save your marriage like I did. I hate breakups and I hate divorces. I am begging you if you love your partner, please save your marriage!
A winner never gives up!
A winner never gives up!
Information on credits is:
Melissa Orlov at https://www.adhdmarriage.com/
Dr. Hallowell http://www.drhallowell.com/
JEFFERY BERNSTEIN PhD. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201002/adhd-and-honest-lies-0
William Dodson, M.D. https://www.additudemag.com/author/william-dodson-m-d/
Dr. Bill Dodson is a certified adult ADHD psychiatrist who has specialized with adult ADHD since 1994.
Note: Links should and or are at the bottom of this page, just click them. If there is any missing CREDIT WISE, or so forth, please don't hesitate to bring it to our attention for correction/s.
Melissa Orlov helps couples identify how ADHD affects them, https://www.addrc.org/the-adhd-effect-on-marriage-by-melissa-orlov/
Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.
is a nationally recognized
coach he has 30 yrs of experience.Note: Links should and or are at the bottom of this page, just click them. If there is any missing CREDIT WISE, or so forth, please don't hesitate to bring it to our attention for correction/s.
Melissa Orlov helps couples identify how ADHD affects them, https://www.addrc.org/the-adhd-effect-on-marriage-by-melissa-orlov/
Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/experts/jeffrey-bernstein-phd .
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