To much dramas in ADD/ADHD relationships By Daniel Amen, M.D.

Why We Crave the Drama That Sabotages Relationships

ADHD brains crave stimulation, and they just might chase relationship drama to get it. Next time you catch yourself (or your partner) falling into these common traps — outlined here by Dr. Daniel Amen — take a step back and re-evaluate.

By Daniel Amen, M.D.

“I Say the Opposite of What You Say”

People who play this game take the opposite position of the other person in the conversation, whether they believe the opposite or not. If your spouse complains that you do not listen to him, you deny it and say that he doesn’t listen to you. If a parent tells a child to clean his messy room, he says that his room isn’t messy. The need to oppose seems more important than the truth.















https://www.additudemag.com/too-much-drama-relationships/


By
Daniel Amen, M.D.






Many people with ADHD unnecessarily create too much drama in their lives as a way to boost adrenaline and stimulate their frontal lobes. These interpersonal “games” are not engaged in willingly; they are driven by the needs of the ADHD brain. Most deny that they engage in such behaviors, but I’ve heard about them from many patients with all 7 types of ADD.
Let’s look at these games, so you can catch yourself when you are “playing” them.

“Let’s Have a Problem”

Many people with ADHD pick on others to get a rise out of them, to get them upset, to make them crazy. Family members of my patients say, “I’m tired of fighting with my brother (sister, mother, son). He (she) always has to have a problem.”
There is a reason why people with ADHD play this game: When the ADHD brain doesn’t have enough stimulation, it looks for ways to increase its activity. Being angry or negative has an immediate stimulating effect on the brain. When you get upset, your body produces increased amounts of adrenaline, raising the heart rate and brain activity.

“I Bet I Can Get You to Yell at Me”

Many with ADHD are masters at getting others to scream and yell. Such behaviors give an adrenaline rush to the individual with ADHD, but they may lead to serious consequences, such as divorce, fights at school, or being fired from a job. This game is not planned. The individual with ADHD senses vulnerability in others and works on them until something gives.













By Daniel Amen, M.D. 

Relationship Coach

Relationship Coach
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtKW9swe4-j596iCIh2_nrA

Ways to be a better husband

Go HERE to read. By: by NewsCred

TALKS ABOUT,

For any man who's a husband, there’s a good chance you've upset your wife at some point.

For some of you, it was just this morning. And at some time, you may have heard, “I don’t feel like you love me,” or “We don’t do anything anymore,” or “You need to get your stuff together.”

Being a man does not come with a manual — and neither does being a good husband.
So what does it take to be a good husband, and in turn, have a happy marriage?

If you want to make sure you're doing a great job as a husband, then there are some things you'll want to make sure you're doing — that will result in a happy marriage, too.







How to be a better husband,
https://www.allprodad.com/10-tips-for-becoming-a-better-husband/






Secrets to be a better husband
https://marriagemax.com Go HERE to read.







Make Your Long-Term Marriage Happier, Starting Today

By Ann Brenoff


Talks about,


Practice honesty, even when you’re ashamed.

If you have maxed out a credit card or two and find yourself hiding the bills each month, you can bet it’s going to come back to bite you. Eventually, whether you’re applying for a home loan or simply talking about the costs of summer vacation, these kinds of money issues will either be brought to light by a credit report or by the simple fact you can’t afford a trip away. Although infidelity usually happens in bed, it also can happen with money. And it will be a tough road gaining back your spouse’s trust if you’ve lied about overspending.

Along that same vein, if you feel you aren’t connecting with your partner the way you used to, you need to say something — now. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. I once let communication issues fester for months on end, failing to verbalize my displeasure, and my husband and I wound up in marriage counseling for nearly a year. It took a third party — and a real investment on our part — to get us back on track. If I had not kept telling myself that things would get better on their own, we might not have reached what I call the danger zone.

4. Take care of your appearance.

With many years and a few kids under your belt, it’s easy to let your appearance slide. Think about when you first met your partner. Would you have walked around in stained sweatpants and without brushing your teeth? My guess is no. I’m not saying you have to look like Julianne Moore every time you settle in for a night of TV. But I’ve seen too many couples transform from Cliff and Clair Huxtable into Dan and Roseanne Connor — with disastrous repercussions.

Sometimes my husband will say “wow, you look nice” as I’m walking out the door for a girls’ night out. At least pay your spouse the same courtesy you do your friends by fixing yourself up for him or her every once in awhile.






HOW CAN I TREAT MY WIFE BETTER

By: All Pro Dads,

GO HERE TO READ MORE



Talks about,




Even though such a hypothesis involves generalizations, there’s a lot of truth to the over-arching idea. It’s a theory that goes a long way towards explaining the desperate lengths and compromises made by women and men looking for both love and respect.

As All Pro Dads, it’s critically important that we approach the respect challenge with some careful thought. So, up front, let’s consider a couple of points: First, respect cannot be demanded. You will always be disappointed. Just like the coach who yells and intimidates, threats and coercion are always lose-lose. Respect is earned. Next, understand that fear and respect are not the same thing. Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, here are 7 ways to earn your wife’s respect.

Ways to be a better wife

Read HERE.  By: Julia Malacoff

#3 Put your phone away.  
“It’s so disrespectful to be checking your phone while someone is trying to talk to you. Give your partner your full attention. He will feel the difference it makes and will automatically feel more connected and more appreciated. With your undivided attention on him, you may even learn something new about your partner.” For more great relationship advice, learn how to






What Wives Should Stop Doing


By: familylife.com


We are not religious, but it does have some of that in this one. Click HERE to read.







Types Of Women Who Make The Best Wives

By Luke Bennington,  Go HERE to read more.




Talks about,

The kind of woman that will make him a better man

She dreams big for both of you. She knows your potential even better you do sometimes and because of that she pushes you to reach your goals. She’s tough on you at times but that’s because she knows you can do much more than what you’re doing now.

The radical feminist

She takes her beliefs to an extreme so you know she’s passionate about life and what she believes in. She’ll get you to understand the female experience probably a lot better than you do now. She’s not only your partner in life but a teacher, someone to learn from.

The girl who always finishes what she starts

No matter what she sees things through. She’s responsible, loyal, and dedicated to whatever she makes a decision on. She doesn’t give up on what she starts and gives everything in life her all. She brings these qualities to her relationships, always believing in the best in the person she’s with, and never giving up on them.

PERFECT WIFE



Click HERE to read.
By: Sagari Gongala




TALKS ABOUT,

Do you love your husband? Do you feel happy and safe when you are with him?
If you have committed to spend a lifetime with a man through nuptials, you must love him. But loving is not enough. A relationship thrives on the expression of that love, among other emotions. So if you love your husband, tell him and show him how much he means to you.
You don’t have to make elaborate expressions of love every day. It could just be little gestures such as a kiss or a peck on the cheek now and then, or making his favorite breakfast once in a while or picking a movie he likes to watch together.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder Look Like in Adults. Adults with ODD are more than just aggressive and irritating from time to time. They feel mad at the world every day, and lose their temper regularly. This may manifest as verbal abuse or road rage. Adults with ODD defend themselves relentlessly when someone says they’ve done something wrong.

What Does Oppositional Defiant Disorder Look Like in Adults?

An adult with ODD may feel mad at the world, and lose his temper regularly — even daily. This may manifest as road rage or verbal abuse. It may cause tension with authority figures, and trouble at work. It may tear apart relationships. Here is what you need to know about oppositional defiant disorder in adulthood.

By Janice Rodden
https://www.additudemag.com/oppositional-defiant-disorder-in-adults/

Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Adults

Adults with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) display a pattern of negative, hostile, and defiant behavior that lasts at least six months and includes four (or more) of the following symptoms:

• Often loses temper
• Often argues with family and coworkers
• Actively defies or refuses to comply with rules and laws
• Deliberately annoys people
• Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• Easily annoyed by others
• Angry and resentful
• Spiteful or vindictive

Adults with ODD are more than just aggressive and irritating from time to time. They feel mad at the world every day, and lose their temper regularly. This may manifest as verbal abuse or road rage. Adults with ODD defend themselves relentlessly when someone says they’ve done something wrong.

They feel misunderstood and disliked, hemmed in, and pushed around. Constant opposition to authority figures makes it difficult for adults with ODD to keep jobs and to maintain relationships and marriages. They are particularly quick to anger, they are impatient, and they have a low tolerance for frustration.

Causes of ODD in Adults

ODD may be genetic. It often begins in childhood with patterns of rebellion against adults and their rules, particularly those that try to make children with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) behave in ways that their brains simply can’t. Some children with ODD outgrow the condition by age eight or nine. But about half of them continue to experience symptoms of ODD through adulthood.
These people report feeling angry all of the time, and about 40 percent of them become progressively worse and develop antisocial personality disorder. Understanding ODD can help provide a neurological explanation for gut-wrenching feelings, and is an important first step to finding treatment.

Symptoms of ODD in Adults at Home

Your spouse seems overly argumentative. Your roommate is unnecessarily hostile. These and other common manifestations of ODD may be apparent at home:

• Always needs to win the argument with a parent or spouse
• Continues to fight against ‘the man’ — authority figures and society
• Leaves socks on the floor just because he knows it annoys his roommate
• Cited for disorderly conduct by police
• Involved in bar brawls or physical altercations in public
• Has a hair-trigger temper — the littlest thing can set her off
  
  
  
  --By Janice Rodden

The Relationship Between ADHD and Autism. Under the Radar as an Autistic Adult With ADHD.

Flying Under the Radar as an Autistic Adult With ADHD

BY: Sue Abramowski https://themighty.com/2016/04/getting-an-adhd-and-autism-diagnosis-as-an-adult/





The Relationship Between ADHD and Autism

https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/autism-and-adhd
BY: Health Line

Talks about:

ADHD versus autism
ADHD is a common neurodevelopmental disorder.
There are three types of ADHD.

Symptoms of ADHD and autism
In the earliest stages, it’s not unusual for ADHD and ASD to be mistaken for the other.

 May experience trouble communicating and focusing. Although they have some similarities, they’re still two distinct conditions.
Here’s a comparison of the two conditions and their symptoms.
--BY: Health Line







The Impact of ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders on Temperament, Character, and Personality Development



By:

Henrik Anckarsäter M.D., Ph.D. and many more doctors. Click HERE to read more.


Talks about:

The authors describe personality development and disorders in relation to symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and autism spectrum disorders. Method: Consecutive adults referred for neuropsychiatric investigation (N=240) were assessed for current and lifetime ADHD and autism spectrum disorders and completed the Temperament and Character Inventory. In a subgroup of subjects (N=174), presence of axis II personality disorders was also assessed with the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-IV Personality Disorders (SCID-II).

Results: Patients with ADHD reported high novelty seeking and high harm avoidance. Patients with autism spectrum disorders reported low novelty seeking, low reward dependence, and high harm avoidance. Character scores (self-directedness and cooperativeness) were extremely low among subjects with neuropsychiatric disorders, indicating a high overall prevalence of personality disorders, which was confirmed with the SCID-II. Cluster B personality disorders were more common in subjects with ADHD, while cluster A and C disorders were more common in those with autism spectrum disorders. The overlap between DSM-IV personality disorder categories was high, and they seem less clinically useful in this context. Conclusions: ADHD and autism spectrum disorders are associated with specific temperament configurations and an increased risk of personality disorders and deficits in character maturation.

Childhood-onset neuropsychiatric disorders—which include attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorders, tic disorders, and learning disabilities—are defined by operational criteria targeting behaviors and deficits in abilities such as attention, empathy, communication, flexibility, and IQ (1) . Research during the 1990s showed that these disorders are more frequent than previously assumed (2 – 5) , with severe variants affecting at least 5% of all children and milder phenotypal expressions or “shadow syndromes” frequent in relatives of affected children (6 – 11) .

Hypothetically, neuropsychiatric diagnoses designate dysfunctional extremes of normally distributed abilities, such as attention and impulse control; adaptive decision-making strategies; adequate perception and control of voice, posture, mimicry, and interpersonal skills; and mentalizing. The variation in such abilities is partly constitutional and may influence personality development to a greater extent than recognized in current personality theory. Patients afflicted by such dysfunctions describe themselves in terms applicable to personality disorders (12 , 13) . Subjects with personality disorders demonstrate neurocognitive problems (14 – 16) , and personality disorders are common in follow-up studies of subjects with neuropsychiatric disorders (17 , 18) . These observations suggest that deficits in neurocognitive development during childhood may often lead to personality disorders during adulthood.

In other words, certain childhood temperament profiles may impair healthy character development, producing personality disorders in adulthood.
In the DSM system, personality disorders are assessed on a separate axis from the “major mental disorders” and, analogous with the ICD system, are defined categorically. Both principles are controversial and disputed by most experts, since empirical data lend no support for a sharp delineation of personality disorders from other mental disorders or for a categorical structure for personality traits (19) . Although the validity of DSM-IV personality disorders seems weak, reliability in assessments by means of structured interviews such as the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-IV Axis II Personality Disorders (SCID-II) has been demonstrated (20) .


---By:

Henrik Anckarsäter M.D., Ph.D. and many more doctors. Click HERE to read more.

             








Behaviors associated with autism spectrum disorder can look a lot like ADHD. Here’s an overview of signs and symptoms, plus common reasons why parents miss ASD.



https://www.additudemag.com/autism-aspergers-adhd-symptoms-in-children/
BY: Eileen Costello

 

Ghosting in a relationship

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201809/why-people-ghost-their-way-out-relationships%3famp

What ADD and ADHD causes to relationships

By: Melissa C. Orlov

How the partner with ADHD often feels:
Different. The brain is often racing, and people with ADHD experience the world in a way that others don’t easily understand or relate to.
Overwhelmed, secretly or overtly, by the constant stress caused by ADHD symptoms. Keeping daily life under control takes much more work than others realize. Even if it’s not always apparent, ADHD can make someone feel like they’re struggling to keep their head above water.
Subordinate to their spouses. Their partners spend a good deal of time correcting them or running the show. The corrections make them feel incompetent, and often contribute to a parent-child dynamic. Men can describe these interactions as making them feel emasculated.
Shamed. They often hide a large amount of shame, sometimes compensating with bluster or retreat.
Unloved and unwanted. Constant reminders from spouses, bosses, and others that they should “change,” reinforce that they are unloved as they are.
Afraid to fail again. As their relationships worsen, the potential of punishment for failure increases. But their inconsistencies resulting from ADHD mean that this partner will fail at some point. Anticipating failure results in reluctance to try.
Longing to be accepted. One of the strongest emotional desires of those with ADHD is to be loved as they are, in spite of imperfections. By: Melissa C. Orlov How the non-ADHD partner often feels: Unwanted or unloved. The lack of attention is interpreted as lack of interest rather than distraction. One of the most common dreams is to be “cherished,” and to receive the attention from one’s spouse that this implies. Angry and emotionally blocked. Anger and resentment permeate many interactions with the ADHD spouse. Sometimes this anger is expressed as disconnection. In an effort to control angry interactions, some non-ADHD spouses try to block their feelings by bottling them up inside. Incredibly stressed out. Non-ADHD spouses often carry the vast proportion of the family responsibilities and can never let their guard down. Life could fall apart at any time because of the ADHD spouse’s inconsistency. Ignored and offended. To a non-ADHD spouse, it doesn’t make sense that the ADHD spouse doesn’t act on the non-ADHD partner’s experience and advice more often when it’s “clear” what needs to be done. Exhausted and depleted. The non-ADHD spouse carries too many responsibilities and no amount of effort seems to fix the relationship. Frustrated. A non-ADHD spouse might feel as if the same issues keep coming back over and over again (a sort of boomerang effect). By: Melissa C. Orlov  Click here to read: How does ADHD or ADD affect relationships? https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm

What does 50/50 mean in a realtionship?

Click HERE.

By Tonya Ladipo, LCSW, Relational Psychotherapy Topic Expert


It talks about:
Relationship fairness is not about martyrdom or self-sacrifice at all costs. It is about recognizing and respecting your relationship’s needs. Fairness is about the flexibility that is necessary to meet everyone’s needs, including that of the relationship. In order to achieve fairness in your relationship, there are three perspectives that need to be considered.

For Spouses With ADD/ADHD Partner

Don’t Just Talk, Communicate

Good communication is the key to strong relationships. This is true for adults with and without attention deficit. The problem is, adults with ADHD often think that they’re communicating when really they’re just talking. How to get your feelings across effectively with friends and partners.

Click above on DON'T JUST TALK, COMMUNICATE, to go to the link.


This link talks about,

Communication with ADD/ADHD Adults is very hard because they don't communicate, they just talk. There is also other links out there from ADD/ADHD Doctors who say the ADD/ADHD partner just can't have good or proper communication skills unless they truly want to end misunderstands and so forth.



Click HERE to read ---- That’s ADHD again? You Don’t Say! Listen Closely and Hear the Effects of ADHD on Communication.
By: Mark Bertin, M.D.

It talks about,
Talk the Talk:
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) 5 is the standard diagnostic manual for clinicians in the fields of child development and mental health. Recently updated (although not yet released), the new version divides communication into three components: speech, language and pragmatics. These skills are defined as follows:

• Speech comprises everything that goes into producing sounds. Common speech concerns include articulation disorders (unexpected inability to produce specific sounds), stuttering and stammering.
• Language is the meaning of words and how we put them together. It includes vocabulary, grammar and narrative discourse along with corresponding receptive language abilities. Under the present system, common diagnoses in this area are expressive language delays (such as using fewer words or sentences than expected) and receptive language delays (understanding less than expected for age).
• Pragmatic language represents all the nonverbal nuances that facilitate everyday conversation, and broadly includes anything regarding the social side of communication. It includes all the unspoken aspects of communication, like reading faces and monitoring tone of voice, as well as adapting ourselves to different situations (such as speaking to a teacher versus a peer). Skills such as understanding gestures, non-literal meetings (such as metaphor, irony and sarcasm), and detecting the emotional meaning behind a change in facial expression depend on an intuitive grasp of pragmatics.

Speech and ADHD
Studies show that children with ADHD are at risk for articulation disorders, which affect their ability to produce letter sounds appropriate for their age. Beyond that, they also commonly have differences in fluency and vocal quality when speaking. One study even detected ADHD through these speech differences. Compared to peers with learning disabilities alone, children with ADHD showed increased volume and variability in pitch when talking, along with particular patterns such as increased number of vocal pauses.
Children with ADHD produce more vocal repetitions or word fillers as they try to organize their thoughts, somewhat similar to a stammer. This can lead to impatience and misunderstandings from others, especially children, as they generally don’t have the same patience and perspective as adults. A response in the classroom may be along the lines of, “It’s a story abou … um… a story… um… um… it’s about … akidwhofliesakite… um.”
Communication and ADHD process language differently as well. For starters, they are at increased risk for significant language delays. Even without specific delays, because of distractibility and related ADHD symptoms, they are more likely to get off-topic when speaking. They also frequently struggle to find the right words and put thoughts together quickly and linearly in conversation. Errors in grammar as they compose sentences also may occur, because of planning difficulties present even when underlying skills in this area are intact. All these ADHD- related symptoms, with or without actual language delays, may impact the ability to communicate effectively.
In ADHD, listening comprehension can be impaired directly, in particular because of difficulty handling rapidly-spoken language or managing distracting, noisy environments like a party or a busy classroom. Again, this is true even when a child doesn’t have an actual language delay; they have the capacity to understand, but because of ADHD, miss details in both conversation and stories. When listening, they may lose track of conversational threads entirely or miss details, and therefore fail to register vital bits of information. These same gaps frequently come across as oppositional behavior when a request appears intentionally ignored instead of not being heard in the first place. These patterns also relate to the reading comprehension difficulties often found with ADHD.
Paying attention to the thread of conversation can become even more problematic for a child with ADHD in groups or when in a noisy situation.The ability to retain focus on a single speaker and to transition between speakers is challenging. This has social implications, leading some children with ADHD to find it easier to get along one-on-one rather than in a group. Distracting classrooms, when multiple activities occur simultaneously, may make it particularly difficult for a child with ADHD to engage.
ADHD also often makes it hard to manage large clumps of conversation all at once. While another 8-year-old may be able to handle hearing as many as twelve words at a clip with good understanding, with ADHD, seven or eight might be the maximum. Anything larger, and information begins to be dropped.
These types of problems in understanding spoken language are often incorrectly labeled as an ‘auditory processing disorder.’ There is nothing wrong with the actual auditory pathway; the information gets in, but executive function impairments mismanage it. The brain manager is asleep on the job again, jumbling the details about what’s being said.

Adult ADHD and Relationships

Dealing with Symptoms Together and Overcoming Relationship Challenges

Click HERE to read.


Last but not least it also talks about,

Symptoms of ADHD that can cause relationship problems

Trouble paying attention. If you have ADHD, you may zone out during conversations, which can make your partner feel ignored and devalued. You may also miss important details or mindlessly agree to something you don’t remember later, which can be frustrating to your loved one.
Forgetfulness. Even when someone with ADHD is paying attention, they may later forget what was promised or discussed. When it’s your spouse’s birthday or the formula you said you’d pick up, your partner may start to feel like you don’t care or that you’re unreliable.
Poor organizational skills. This can lead to difficulty finishing tasks as well as general household chaos. Partners may feel like they’re always cleaning up after the person with ADHD and shouldering a disproportionate amount of the family duties.
Impulsivity. You may blurt things out without thinking, which can cause hurt feelings. This impulsivity can also lead to irresponsible and even reckless behavior (for example, making a big purchase that isn’t in the budget, leading to fights over finances).
Emotional outbursts. Many people with ADHD have trouble moderating their emotions. They may lose your temper easily and have trouble discussing issues calmly. Making your
 Non-ADHD partner feel like they have to walk on eggshells to avoid blowups.



How to Improve Communication With Your ADHD Partner

Click HERE to read more.



Remember, you can never learn enough about this GIFT your partner has. It is a learning thing that is always a learning prosses for you both, but especially the Non-ADHD spouse.







Credit go to as shown in the links.